Feelings, Time & Life’s Stupid Curveballs.
So far this year, we’ve lost three friends to cancer, all different types. We’ve met more people with life altering autoimmune diseases, and developed more of our own. Each of these people we’ve lost, and met, have had some great push in either our lives, or our family member’s lives. Now, we find ourselves wandering through years of memories, seeking any kind of comfort we can knowing that now at least they’re at rest, and hopefully at peace. These events have really made us stop and think about how we’re all tied to the strongest emotions of love and grief, all being tied to the bigger ideas of life and time. Sometimes “healthy” people have different opinions on these topics as that of a “sick” person. In our experience, this has been true.
Below you’ll find thoughts on love, grief, time, and life, including the perspective on things coming from someone whose life will be cut short due to incurable illness of any kind. You’ll find our perspective in italic’s, as it seemed fitting because you may find it a bit sideways, sometimes. It might be hard to understand to some why losing friends and loved ones hit us more deeply than you think it should, but I can tell you that when this happens, it only reminds us of our ticking time clock, and marked time left with you. It makes us face the reality that sometimes we try to ignore.
It’s the tears you cry, and the heavy empty feeling inside of your gut. It’s the wonder of what could have been, and the memories that seem like they’re only hours old. It’s the longing you feel to talk to them just one more time, and the times you forget they’re gone, and dial their number. It’s the rush of emotion that comes out so fast, you have to cover your mouth to not let the sudden sobs escape your lips….because deep down you know it’s unavoidable. It’s the grown up feelings dawning on you, that life is the most beautiful, unpredictable, and sometimes unfair disaster you’ve ever seen. And one that you have to live through, every day. It’s knowing that our time is truly marked, and wondering what you can do to make your time worthwhile. ~ It’s what we feel when we wake up knowing we can’t get out of bed. It’s the sadness we feel in knowing we can’t keep our plans with you, and the darkness we feel being alone again. It’s the feeling deep inside, knowing that our illness has shifted, and we’ll have to tell you that. It’s the deep feeling of our fate, and knowing what we’re fated to medically.
It’s the most painful, wonderful, warming, damning feeling of them all, for us all. Without love, would we have grief? As humans, we go through life seeking the company of others in friends, family, and lovers. We grow dependent on their support, and loose ourselves in memories of our good times past. Love makes us bend over backward to help “our” people, when they’re in need. Love hurts, and breaks spirits and hearts. The more time we spend with our nearest and dearest, the more than you’ll feel the pull and connection. There’s no denying that you’d do anything for the ones you love. It’s human nature. ~ Love is what we become dependent on when we’re down. The warmth you can bring to me by simply being around me, and supporting me, does more than you’ll ever understand. We understand that loving us is sometimes difficult, as we can be more than a challenge daily. We hope that we show you, tell you, and make you feel how much we love you, too.
It’s the second hand on the clock, running around as if it’s in a sprint to the end. Hours disappear, even if you’re just laying around, watching the world fly by. Your infants grow to teenagers before you can blink, and middle age sneaks in on you regardless of what you do to try and stop it. When you’re young, you want to be older to “experience life.” When you’re old, you wish for more time to live, and love. You’ll surely find a “rut” at some point in your aging life. Not necessarily a bad rut, but a groove you get too comfortable with. You may just go on with the same routine for fifteen years, working away, and living life. One day you’ll wake up from this “status quo” coma, and realize you’ve just wasted away the years doing something, or being with someone, you don’t really like. It’s then you’ll find yourself longing to take back the years, and desiring a “re-do”. I do hope you don’t experience regret for your bad decisions on wasting your time…. Because regret doesn’t help anything, and only makes your grief worse. ~ Time to us to a literal ticking clock. As long as we stay as busy as we can, and keep our minds active, the clicking noise is muted. Once our brains settled, and focus on our illness, our disability, the ticking resumes, and we begin to wonder about the end. Dwelling on such an event is not a pleasant thing, and normally leads to our grief levels rising. We can’t help it though, as time has become the biggest part of our lives. It’s the one thing we can no longer guarantee, or promise to anyone, including ourselves. We have a new appreciation for the little things, and seek to spend as much time with you as you’d allow. Time hurts, especially when we can hear the clicking of the second hand. Our flares of illness make the clicking louder than ever, and we can become lost easily. It’s these times we turn to you, in hope that your love can pull us back from the darkness, and back to the light of life.
It’s every single memory from the time you can remember, until the time that you forget. It’s the experiences that make us who we are. It’s every situation you’ve ever gone through, and how you’ve handled the outcome, and learning experience. Life is the personal growth you seek in finding yourself, and what you want out of life. Life is not only what you can do for others, but what you willingly choose to do for no other benefit but theirs. Life is an experience with no sure expiration, but a definite end. Life is finding the happiness you need to smile every day, be supportive, and productive member of society. ~ Life is what we fight with, daily. Our daily lives are riddled with both defeat, and triumph. We hope there are more triumphs, but learn not to stop for anything. We know and understand better that our decisions today, will greatly affect our tomorrows. We use every ounce of our energy getting through each day, attempting to live as normally as possible. Nights are terrible, as we rarely have energy left for anything. The curveballs really hurt our progress, but we have no choice to face them head on.
Sometimes in life, we don’t always get to choose the outcomes, obstacles, or problems we face. Sometimes, we’re just going along, living life to the fullest, and we’re suddenly knocked back down by catastrophe, or illness. Sometimes we learn that our bodies aren’t well, and are fighting to function to survive. It’s these times like these that time, love, life, and grief surface. It’s these times more than ever, when faced with our own mortality, everything sort of stops. Time freezes, and you wonder how much longer you can do it. You have to remind yourself, sometimes by the hour, that the few good days you’ll have, are far more important than the bad. Life stops, and refocused around appointments, doctors, medicines, and day to day living. You do everything you can to connect with your spouse, your children, friends, and family. Parts of you die knowing that some relationships may be beyond repair, and you know there’s no fix. Love becomes a heavy weight puling and pushing us around, but is needed more than ever. The weight pulls on us, knowing that we’re carrying people with us on our journey back to health, or at least a plateau of living. We’re weighted in knowing that we’ll be leaving you sooner than later, and that fact is what makes things harder to face. Our love for you is un-measurable, unending, un-defying, and more passionate than ever… but sometimes we’re lost in the cloud of grief. Grief for what was, and grief for the normalcy that we may never see again.
There is such a fine line that connects everything together, that it’s impossible to plan ahead to how the events of last year will truly affect today, but I can assure you…. Every move you make matters. Every moment spent. Every breath taken. Every time they laugh, cry, giggle, or learn something new. Rise to each defeat, and unexpected challenge. It’s ensuring that you don’t infringe on someone else’s human rights, because truly—do you have extra time to spend on them? Take care of yourself, and your people. Love those who need it, and try to be understanding. Have patience when it’s warranted, and stop hiding behind fake personalities and material things. Be yourself. Love yourself. Do unto others as you want done to you. Most of all, just live and don’t ever stop.